My Little Darlin, PT day 26, by David

The cyclothymic emotional yo-yo I am riding is rolling on.  After the MRI i felt good. Now tapering My Little Darlin off the versed infusion is forcing me to face the reality of what kind of neurological deficits she may have from the trauma.  The uncertainty is killing me at the moment.   Hopefully this heart wrenching uncertainty will only become a distant thought and this nightmare will end with Jan's full recovery.  With the decreasing medication My Little Darlin's movements are increasing but until now are without purpose or any indication of communication.  She is not totally off the sedative and it will take a while for the effects to be gone even after it is turned completely off.  Can not say how long this will take.  I so badly just want that recognizing look telling me she knows I am there.   At this segment of the nightmare I will remain a basket case until I get it.   My biggest fear all along is that I will never again….

Other than the question of My Little Darlin's neuro status she continues to do well.  Her chest tubes (tubes placed through her chest wall to reexpand her collapsed lungs) were removed yesterday.  The ventilator is supporting her each time she takes a breath but is no longer breathing for her.  Her nutrition is going well and her labs are normal.  Her fever seems to be improving.

I spoke with one of the members of the accident reconstruction team last week who told me the investigation was still on going.  It will be four weeks since My Little Darlin was heinously assaulted.   Jan should be about to get out of bed,  starting to drink the coffee that I would have left for her and preparing to either swim, bike or run, which ever her ironman training schedule called for.  Instead she is lying in that CCU bed suffering more than any of us can imagine.  If her brain is able to process any thought at this time I would suspect she is extremely confused and afraid with no idea of what is happening to her.  I wonder how the person that did this to her is feeling.  Has she had any concern for what she did to my precious solemate?  Is she only remorseful about  what the consequences of her actions may end up being to her?    Has she even thought about what price Jan has had to pay for her act?  I hope the reason the investigation is taking so long is that all I's are being dotted and all t's are being crossed.  I have to trust in the criminal justice system.  I hope it does not disappoint me!

RIGHT NOW I FEEL VERY HURT, SCARED AND ANGRY

PUT THE !%@^ CELL PHONE DOWN WHILE DRIVING BEFORE YOU MURDER SOMEBODY
SHARE THE ROAD, A LIFE DEPENDS ON IT
GET OFF THE COUCH

I Love My Little Darlin more than any thing else in this world.  I am afraid I will never have my solemate back and that thought is killing me.  Did not know anything could hurt so bad.
David