Sunday, June 5, 2011

PT Day 14, by David

In case you have not figured this out yet I LUV that little woman lying in there.  Looking at photos of her before this happened compared to her lying unresponsive in that hospital bed  tears my heart out and brings tears to my eyes.   I had a mental low last night on this emotional roller coaster I am on.  No good reason.  My Little Darlin had no major change to make me feel that way.  I suspect the trigger was her having a bronchoscopy (flexible camera on a scope passed through her trachea into her lungs) yesterday afternoon.  Anyone with a tracheostomy or endotracheal tube (tubes in the trachea/lungs connected to the ventilator) and unable to cough must be periodically suctioned out to clear secretions.  Hers seem to have increased lately and become thicker.  The bronchoscopy was done to help clear this up and some of the material obtained was sent to see if any evidence of infection is present that is not covered on the antibiotics she is currently on.  I want the impossible, everything to go perfectly smooth with no setbacks no matter how small.  All of us with loved ones in this waiting room have those same irrational wishes and ride the emotional roller coaster with every small change.  I keep telling myself slow and steady, week to week not hour to hour.  She is better today than she was a week ago.  I still live from visit to visit.

This morning Jan's FiO2 had to be increased back to 60%.  I am trying to tell myself not to be alarmed since she has remained off the paralytics through the night and is breathing some on her own.  Have not talked to her pulmonologist this morning but may be this minimal set back is related her own inefficient breathing  and not necessarily a bad thing.  We do want her working toward being independent of the ventilator.  I am trying to think positive for once.  She is oxygenating well now.  Still no GI tract action.  When it happens it will be a huge thing;)  This will come.  Her lab results remain stable.  I was encouraged by her blood albumin being up since a few days ago.  

I keep hearing of changes being made not only for the improved safety of those of us who choose to get out there but also of those who have not previously been active and are now motivated to become more active.  Jan would like this. This helps make this ordeal some bearable.  There are several sayings that she and I live by.  "Life is for doing stuff" and " you can fall off a bike (or whatever activity that is fun for you) and die or you can fall off the couch and die".  We will not fall off the couch and die.  I do not think the hurt, even after my little wife is back to her usual smiling self, will ever go away given what was done to her and how unnecessary it was.  Just maybe that pain will help us continue to make a difference after this is behind us.  Please everyone stay motivated.  People who want to get out there and bike, run, walk etc should be encourage to do so,  not dissuaded by fear.


I love My Little Darlin,  I AM going to grow old with her (TIGT)

1 comment:

  1. David:

    We have been praying for Jan and your family since the news was heard. You are definitely not alone going through the valley. God will sustain her. Hope our love will give you some comfort. The Fengs, Starkville