Thursday, June 2, 2011

PT Day 11, by David

I was looking at photos on my phone yesterday.  Before that I felt as relaxed as I get,  there is always a steady level of underlying anxiety.  Jan used to describe that as like a duck on the water.  A duck glides smoothly across the water but their feet are paddling frantically underneath where you can't see them.  I have taken photos of Jan in her CCU bed, this will be important to show people in a graphic way what this looks like.  I am not psychologically ready to show those yet,  I still cry often while standing by her bed seeing her like this not knowing what is next or if there is a happy future with her.  Most of our family and friends who have seen her in that bed have cried with me. It is really very sad to see her like this.  While looking at those photos I came across her smiling face and I smiled at it.  The very next photo was one of her in the CCU bed, there was no smile.  There was the bolt through her skull used to measure her intracranial pressure, the nasogastric tube coming out of her nose taped to her skin, The tracheostomy tube coming out of her trachea and attached to the ventilator .  There was the hard collar around her neck to keep it stable (she doe not have a neck spine fracture but do not know if she could have ligament injury).  This abrupt contrasted comparison of the two photos hit home hard.  Those images stuck in my mind for the rest of the day and the duck was frantic.  This still hurts as much sit did the day it happened.  There has never been any doubt of how much My Little Darlin loves me (That is a VERY good thing).   This has my shattered my world in a very bad way.

No major changes today.  Her face still looks like a peaceful angel if you can ignore all of the various devices coming out of her body.  I hate them but I am happy to have them.  She would not be here otherwise.  There are small things that I do not like made worse by my constant underlying worry and knowing what I know.  Most would be would be happily oblivious to many of the small details that her physicians address daily (small fires that they are trying to keep from becoming large fires). Some of the include her increased white blood count (WBC). Elevated WBC is associated most commonly with infection.  She has potential sources for this with the lungs being my most concern.  She did not have any fever last night and remains on multiple antibiotics.  I worry about her oxygenation.  She is being given 60% oxygen.  Would like to keep it no higher than this and better yet get it lower so can try to start getting her to start breathing on her own.  I am concerned though she may need a higher oxygen concentration because the level of oxygen in her blood is on the low side.  She has passed only a minimal amount of gas (poots), really want to see her growl (my biking buddies know this term, Jan would be embarrassed I said this).  She is tolerating her tube feedings so far but it is slow but until she growls can not be confident the whole gastrointestinal tract is working (perhaps this clarifies the term growl).  Her albumin is low.  She needs this up and needs nutrition to get this up.  Her very wise physicians (I have a lot of confidence in her physicians) keep telling me this is going to be slow, they don't like it and I don't like it but it is the way it is.  Jan was hurt bad.  That hurts me bad. The same physician that told me "bad things happen fast and good things happen slow" gave it a good perspective.  He said hangs have to be looked at week to week not day to day.  This is hard for me but she is better today than she was last week (TIGT).

I am going to say over and over, do not forget about this.  As time goes the shock of a major event starts to lessen and eventually it kind of fades from your mind.  It has happened to me and is normal.  Jan and I will live with this for the rest of our lives,  I hope and pray we are allowed to grow old together.  Remember JOHN PAUL FRERER.  He was not allowed to grow old.  There are many more out there that have been seriously injured by an automobile while biking.  I have heard from many of them, thankfully they are still here to give me encouragement.  Spread the word, watch out for the bicyclists, runners, walkers, workers, tire changers, law enforcement officers, etc.  I have heard many cyclist or their family talk about their fear after hearing Jan's story.  I had that fear every time I knew my Little Darlin went out on a ride.  The saddest day of my life is the day I got the phone call "David, it's Kim, Jan has been hit by a car and it's bad".   It was and has been and will be.  I hope and pray no one else ever gets a similar call but it will take all of us and more to prevent this.  I will be scared the next time I get on my road bike but I am going to.  We do this for the fun and health benefits.  I will not let an unimportant couch potato who can not wait or slow down a few seconds because they are in a hurry to get nowhere or someone who feels their cell phone time is more important than another human beings life stop me.

I love My Little Darlin, this hurts and I fear for her,

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