My Little Darlin, PT day 6
12:00 am near the beginning of PT day 6. I saw my beautiful wife for the last time today at 9:00pm. I get to see her again in the morning at 6:00. Tonight was better than last night because last night I was bothered so much by her not responding after having her sedation turned off. I have found out since that that was not surprising for several reasons and that I should not be alarmed. I don't sleep much these days. I come back to this hotel each night hoping I will sleep but as soon as I turn off the lights my mind starts going over things. I remember her face in the critical care unit, her eyes are closed and there is no expression. I kiss her face wherever there is not any tape holding some type of device on or in her. I tell her how much I love her. ( and I love her so much it hurts bad) . I hold her hand, gently though because her fingers are broken. There is still no expression, I wonder if I will get to see any emotion from her again. I think about the beautiful happy smiling face in the photo on her Facebook page. I shed tears for a few minutes and I still can not go to sleep. I begin to think about her on her bike pedaling west on highway 50, she hears the car approaching. All of us who ride road bikes hear the cars approaching from behind. I see in my mind the absolute brutal impact of that car hitting my Beautiful Little Darlin (like you would see in a movie only this is real) full force at 55 + mph. I feel the absolute terror she had to have felt (if she is still conscious) as that car is slamming her 200yards down the road. I cry some more and I get angry. I may get a couple of hours of sleep but got to get up at 5:00am so I can see my baby at 6:00. I am always cautiously optimistic since it has been 9 hours since I last saw her. I hope she has had some improvement and pray she has not gotten worse.
6:00am. They have just announced that families can go back and visit. All except the morgan family who is delayed, my heart rate increases with anxiety as to why? Is there a problem I wonder? This delay happens occasionally and usually not a problem. I am always on pins and needles though. The delay was short. Her nurse just wanted to be organized so when I came she could give me her full attention. Jan had a good night(TIGT). Yesterday she had some problems throughout the day with her blood pressure going up. Not critically high but her intracranial pressure went up as well. With her brain trauma increased pressures are not a good thing. Suspect the increased pressures were related to pain and stimulation from being moved quite a bit. You may recall that early yesterday she had a CT of her head. Later in the morning she had a CT of the abdomen. Both were OK by the way. Patients have to be taken to CT, CT can not come to them. With a critical patient this is a major ordeal. Transportation is cumbersome with all of the support devices that have to be taken. The patient( side note, for the 20 plus years I have been in medicine it has always been "the patient", now it is My Littlt Darlin, this is a whole new way for me to see things, I do not like it but it will make me a better physician in the future, another potential good thing to get out of this otherwise horrible tragedy) Once in CT several people must physically lift her from her bed to the CT table and back again after the scan. It is awkward to do this with a patient and the difficulty is compounded by all of the tubes and lines coming from My Little Darlin. Any one of these tubular structures could easily but accidentally get pulled out. Even with the sedation and narcotic infusion she senses significant pain from with the transportation and movement from her numerous fractures. They did this twice. That is likely why her pressures were up. Her morphine and versed were increased significantly for this. Her pressures came on down last night to very good levels and remained there(TIGT). Her fever remained in check and her oxygen requirements remained in check(TIGT). Overall no setbacks last night which is always a very good thing.
This still hurts me as much as it did starting last Sunday. I hide my emotions pretty well. That has changed. Just about every time I go in to see her, still on the ventilator, not knowing when or if she will come off, thinking about what she is going through and then looking at her photo with a smile on her face( I have several of these taped up on the wall in her room, do not want anyone to forget who she is and it helps the caregivers see her as a person not just a patient), I tear up. Throughout the day these thoughts and others creep into my mind and I tear up. If I am talking to someone about her I tear up. All of my family, friends and well wishers have been great. It is normal that the longer this goes on the less it will be on others not directly involved mind. All of your support with visits, texts, and notes are greatly appreciated and welcomed. I am in this for the long haul and I fully understand it is going to be a very long haul. Over the next unknown how long duration as this event lessens on your mind (I know that is normal) please drop the occasional note, prayer or visit. They are all welcomed. I will continue to make Facebook posts so long as I am getting feedback which has been wonderful by the way. Doing this helps me and as a good friend suggested it will some day be very meaningful to Jan to see how many people really care for her. Also do not forget about what happened. We need to be vigilant about safety of those biking, riding, working etc on the roads. There have been some positives to come from this. Thanks J B for the note. J B has contacted an Oktibbeha County supervisor about signage on the roads regarding bicyclists and the 3 ft law. Let this snowball keep rolling and get bigger please.